What did I do wrong?
by Clichegeek16
Summary: Hinata and Kageyama were ever so happy together, until one day, out of the blue, Kageyama breaks it off and gets with his past senpai, Oikawa Tooru . Hinata is destroyed and haunted by this, and his life goes downhill. Warning: depression other dark themes. Kageyama x Hinata.


What did I do wrong?

I was happy, how could I not have been happy? I had everything I wanted, everything I needed. I played volleyball with my best friends, I had my mother and my darling little sister, and I have my loving boyfriend Kageyama Tobio. He was everything to me, he made me happy when I was down, gave me a reason to work harder and harder during volleyball, in.. Good and bad ways. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made my heart pound faster and he made my heart stop.

We are second years, happily together, about 5 months into our relationship. At first, we got a few comments from others, but Kageyama scared them away with his evil glare that I was no longer scared of. It was lunch break, and I headed to the roof to meet with Kageyama. We always spent lunch together.

"Kageyama!" I yelled as I ran towards the taller male, jumping up and reaching out for him. He looked freaked out, he never got used to how I randomly liked to jump up on him. Yet, he caught me anyway.

He grabbed me, giving me a scowl, "You have to be more careful, dumbass Hinata! I might not catch you one of these times" he told me. I just smiled innocently, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"You will always catch me. I know you will," I commented as he set me down, continuing to look up at him with the sparkling lovesick eyes I always seemed to have when I looked at him, "Whether it's when I jump at you, or simply when I fall. You'll catch me!"

Kageyama looked away, so I assumed he was just embarrassed to show the blush on his face that always appeared when I said mushy and cringe-worthy stuff like that. I took his hand and intertwined our fingers, a feeling so familiar, so natural.

I lead Kageyama to our normal spot in a shaded part of the roof, facing away from everyone up there. We liked their privacy, what couple didn't? Plus, people tended to stare so I liked it better where we could be more comfortable. I pulled Kageyama to the ground, sitting and leaning on his shoulder.

"How was class?" I asked to start conversation, glancing up at the boy beside me as I took a bite of the delicious meatbun I picked up on the way to school. Kageyama didn't open his lunch, setting it aside. He looked uncomfortable, which I didn't get. I wondered if something happened earlier.

"They were fine" he responded, looking off over the roof. I slowly nodded, keeping my eyes on him. He glanced down at me, but looked away so quick I barely got a glimpse of the guilt in his eyes. Guilt? Was it guilt? Why wouldn't he look at me? It made me anxious, it made me terrified. Why did he look so terrified?

I spoke up, "Kags, what's wrong?" I asked in a soft voice, letting him know I was serious. "You aren't looking at me or eating, what happened?" I elaborated more, hoping to get an answer out of him, but he stayed silent. I shook it off, I knew.. I thought Kageyama would come to me when he was ready, "Never mind"

I spent the rest of lunch blabbing on about some silly stuff Natsu did this morning, aka putting her hair in her cereal because she forgot to take a shower the night before. Kageyama just nodded and nibbled at his food. When the bell rang, he gave me a quick kiss and hug before hurrying off. I spent the rest of the day mind boggled at why he didn't look me straight in the eye when he told me "I love you" before he left for his classes. He always did, and I thought he always would.

A few more weeks past of this same behavior, even at volleyball. He stopped talking; I stopped talking. He stopped giving me kisses and I stopped asking for them. He stopped showing up to walk together before school so I stopped waiting. The few weeks of distance from him left me in shambles, what was bothering him? Why is he avoiding me? What did I do wrong?

We had tournaments coming up, and with this between us, it was just messing up our game. Our quick was failing more and more, and Suga once said it was because we are losing trust in each other, then later Noya asked if we had broken up.

One day, as we were sitting silently at lunch with a foot between us, neither of us touching our food. I looked up at Kageyama with sad eyes, speaking to him for the first time that day, "Kiss me"

His eyes widened, as if he had never heard me say that before, and it only just made me more angry, "What?"

My face twisted into a glare, "I said," I moved closer to him, "Kiss me. Right here, right now" I demanded of him, looking him in the eye as he just sat there staring at me. I felt anger and hurt boiling up inside me and he just sat there.

"What happened to us?" I choked out, and looked up at him. How I wished to look up and see hurt eyes, to see sympathy, to see love. The only thing I saw was guilt, guilty eyes as he opened his mouth to respond.

"I'm breaking up with you" the words that made my heart shatter, the words that made my brain crash and tears flow through my eyelids. Those were the words that ended us, that ended me.

I looked at him, what did I do wrong? _What did I do wrong?_ **_What did I do wrong?_** I couldn't figure it out, I couldn't figure it out then and I couldn't figure it out now. I never found out what was so wrong with me that he had to do what he did, and it haunted me nonstop. I started crying.

I started crying, and when he reached over to comfort me, I flinched away. That's when I saw the hurt in his eyes, he didn't deserve to feel hurt. How dare he feel hurt? How dare he looked at me with those sweet sympathetic that I used to gaze into lovingly. He caused this, so why did he look so hurt? I never knew that either.

"Why?" I remember asking, over and over I asked him why. Or maybe I asked myself why, I can't remember if I actually got the words out of my mouth. Every time I saw him, _why_? Every time he spoke, _why_? Every time he looked at me and glanced away , I asked _why_? That was never answered either. All these questions were never answered, so they pushed me.

He didn't respond, so I grabbed my things before standing up and leaving him. I left his hurt eyes, for I couldn't look into them any longer. I left behind a lot when I walked away, I left him behind, I left myself, I left who I thought I saw there. There I'm the hidden shady part of the roof we used to sit everyday.

Days went on, people asked me if I was alright, for the news spread fast. I waved them off, telling them I was just a bit shaken up. I wasn't, more like, a bit shattered, a bit beaten and a bit destroyed. Kageyama didn't seem different at all, he went on with his usual attitude, as if nothing had changed. He acted as if he didn't notice the hurt in my voice when his name came up, the bags under my eyes, my pale skin, my sunken face. But I knew he saw it, I knew he was the only person who could read me like a book. I knew he knew, and he knew I knew. That's why he could have stopped it, he could have stopped what was to happen, but he didn't.

The tournament came, and our team was a mess. I was weak, for I didn't eat much not had the energy to train too hard lately. Kageyama was fine, he was more then fine. I knew that when Aoba Johsai showed up and Oikawa Tooru came to our team, wrapped his arm around him and placed a kiss on his cheek. Everyone was shocked, and looked at me. I didn't 't say anything out loud, but everyone could read my thoughts at the moment. I left.

I left that day, calling my mother to pick me up. She stopped on the side of the road where I had been waiting, crying, and waiting. She didn't ask what was wrong, she already knew. Everyone knew, and no one did anything.

I went to Daichi on Monday and apologized, and quit. I couldn't do it, I couldn't play with the presence of him. I apologized to the team, keeping my eyes away from Kageyama for I already knew what his face was like, or at least I believed I did. I'm believed he was shocked, and flabbergasted, but then again maybe he wasn't, and he was happy. I know I wasn't. I quit the team and began locking myself away mentally and physically from the world.

At first, I barely touched my phone, it was blown up daily by Noya and Tanaka and even Suga at points. I eventually even got a text from Tsukkishima. Nothing from Kageyama. I went to school, sometimes, and came home and slept. That was it.

After a while, I stopped hearing from the team. I would these news around the school that they were struggling to find someone to take my place, and I felt guilty, yet I never went back. People asked me why I quit? _What happened_? And mostly, _it was because of Kageyama, right_?

I stopped eating at lunch. I would go and sit alone on the roof in our hidden place. After a while, it became too painful and I would sit out on the soccer field outside of the school. I would stay there most of the day, watching the sky. I barely saw Kageyama anymore, I saw him every once in a while, leaving school. Oikawa would pull up and pick him up, and I would watch. He only caught me watching once.

A few weeks after I quit, around a month after we broke up, Kageyama walked home with me. Well, he wasn't walking home with me, he was just walking home. Fate had took a turn and played me, and made us both have to walk home together, like we used to look forward too.

He looked over at me after 5 minutes of awkwardly walking together, and spoke. For the first time in a month, he spoke to me, "Are you alright?"

I wanted to hit him, to scream, to throw everything I had at his stupid face and cry. How could he ask me that? He could read me like a book and I knew he could, he knew I wasn't okay. I stopped and stared up at him for a moment, looking into the eyes I used to love. I missed those eyes, the loving eyes that used to look at me and only me.

I nodded. I can't believe I looked at him and nodded, before telling him, "it doesn't matter" and continuing walking. He looked dazzled, he looked confused. He spoke up again, to my surprise.

"Why did you quit on the team?" He asked me, for which I scoffed at and stopped again, looking up at him as if he asked a very stupid question, which it was. It was a very stupid question, everyone knew the answer.

I started him straight in the eye before responding, "Why did you quit on me?". He didn't respond, I stared at him. Again I had asked him why? And he still had no response. What he responded instead I will never forget.

"Why can't you just move on?" He mumbled, avoiding my eyes. I felt anger flare up inside me, I had never felt such pain and hatred for a set of words. How could he ask me that? He knew I couldn't, he has seen it, he knew he caused this. He didn't nothing.

He spoke again, looking back into my eyes, "I want you to be happy" he told me. I couldn't believe it. I blew up.

"How dare you say that?!" I yelled, I saw him flinch, "I was happy, before you took that away from me! I used to be happy, but you destroyed that! I hate you! I hate that loved you! I hate that I still love you! I hate that you don't care!" I yelled at him, weakly hitting my fists on his chest. I was too weak anymore to do any damage, with my lack of sleep, exercise and food, I had grown weak.

He stared at me, I knew he didn't know what to say. That used to be okay, because I used to be able to read him. Now it wasn't, so I prayed he would say something, I had no idea what I wanted him to say. I wanted him to apologize, to love me again, but I was already too hurt I didn't want him back, but I did.

I let my hands drop and backed away, looking at the ground as I looked up again at him in tears, "You killed me. You killed me, you killed my happiness, you killed my heart. And now that I'm dead, there's nothing you can do, there is nothing anyone can do" I mumbled to him, wiping my face with the sleeve of my jacket. I smiled at him.

"I hope your happy with him, Kageyama. I hope he treats you better then I did, I hope you love him more then you loved me, I hope you don't break him like you broke me" I told him I'm a calmer voice, looking away from his face that looked so hurt. Why did it look hurt?

He stepped forward, "I hate seeing you cry" he tells me, I look up at him in confusion as my tears stopped, "I used to tell you that whenever you got upset, and you would stop crying. Because it's true, and it's still true. I don't want to hurt you Hinata" he spoke, looking down at me. His lips pressed into a line, those lips I used to kiss, and desire. I used to love; I still love. His dark eyes that glared to me, and looked lovingly at me. His cheeks I used to kiss, his face I used to smile when spotted.

"I don't want you to be hurt anymore" he tells me. I gaped in shock. He was cruel, too cruel. This world is cruel, something I learned quickly.

I almost laughed, let out a huff and looked up at him, "Then tell me why you left me" I demanded of him, seeing him shut up immediately as it went silent. "Was he better? Happier? Nicer to you? Had I grown too annoying? Did you find me a burden? Was I not enough for you?" I went on, he just stood and stared at me. I searched his eyes, and all I saw was confusion. That's the thing about us, we could read each other and know how we were feeling, we were perfect. We were two halves of a whole.

After a few silent moments had passed, I let out a sigh and readjusted my back pack. "Whatever. I'll see you around, Kageyama" I commented before I walked away. That was the last time I spoke to him. Never again did we share any words.

The next day, Kageyama avoided me like I was a snake. I felt even worse, and when we got to gym class, I hadn't gotten any sleep and I was so beaten down, I passed out.

I woke up in the nurses office, no one there with me. I looked around and remember what had happened. I got up, stumbling as I felt dizzy. I looked for a nurse, and when I found her she told me about what happened and the time. She then sent me to the office, to which they sat me down and told me about my failing grades. I sat in silence as they told me how much of a failure I was. How much I had turned from a hard working student to a slob. I listened to it before I was dismissed.

I went home and told my mom what happened, which she told me she already knew. She scheduled me an appointment for a psychologist to figure out what was happening to me mentally. I told her I was fine, and I didn't need anything like that. She pushed on, trying to convince me this would help but I never believed her, no amount of medicine would fix what Kageyama caused. In the end, I hadn't changed anything and I had an appointment scheduled.

A week later and I had no contact from Kageyama, he hadn't even looked my way when I would find myself still staring in class or when I could see him at lunch. No one on the team talked to me anymore, except Suga and he just said hi when he saw me. The other friends I had before also distanced themselves, well, I pushed them away. I can't say I don't regret it, pushing everyone away because of the mess I had become. I never knew what a person could do to you until I fell in love.

I started eating more though, ever since I passed out I knew I had to fix something before I ended up dead. It wasn't much but I always at least ate a sandwich a day, which my mother was very happy about. She had grown so worried for me, she didn't deserve the stress I put her through and It caused me so much guilt.

I left school early and went to my appointment, pulling up to a tall brick building that looked like it was about to fall on us. We went in, it was silent and cold, I never liked doctor offices. My mom lead me up a few floors and to a room where we checked in and sat down for about 10 minute until we were called in.

I looked at the posters on the wall when we passed them, Suicide prevention line: 1-800-XXX-XXXX, 5 tips of you are having anxiety. They were all about mental disorders and getting help, I didn't have any disorders. I was just broken hearted.

She sat me down, then asked my mother to leave. She seemed hesitant but left anyway. I looked to the doctor as she pulled out a clip board and a bag of things, setting it aside. She did tests on me, asking me how certain pictures make me feel and making me choose pictures I liked best. I didn't know why she was doing this, but I silently played along. After other tests, she started asking questions. She started with basic questions like "What brings you here?" And "Have you see a counselor before?" Then she moved on to the deeper more thoughtful questions.

"How do you feel most of the time?" She asked. I shrugged in response and she wrote something down.

"Do you feel anxious in front of crowds?" She asked and I shook my head. I'd didn't feel anxious, I just didn't like them.

"How often do you feel sad?" She asked me. I looked down at my lap and fiddled with my fingers.

"Always" I mumbled in response, I wanted to lie but I couldn't. She just nodded and wrote stuff, the silence and the sound of the pencil bothered me for some reason.

She asked more questions, "Do you know why?" I nodded my head. "Why?" I shook my head. "Do you ever feel self destructive?" I nodded, "Do you ever feel like you would or could end your own life?" I nodded my head.

More questions came, and I only spoke every once in a while. I didn't like this and I wanted to leave, but the questions seemed to go on forever.

"What would make you happier?" She asked. This was probably the most obvious and hard question she has asked.

I looked to the side and muttered, "Him"

She wrote it down, looking up at me, and asked "Who is him?"

I stood up, "I'm done with this" I told her, and crossed my arms. She opened her mouth to protest but stopped and nodded. "Thank you for your time, you can stay here. I'm going to ask the other doctors to look over your answers. Your mother can come in now" she told me before she left the room and my mom came back in. We sat in awkward silence while we waited. A nurse came back with a clip board, giving us such a fake smile.

"We have your results, Shouyou Hinata" she told me. I didn't look excited, how could I? All I'm doing here is figuring out how much of a problem I've become.

She looked at her clip board, "He has been diagnosed with severe depression, and borderline anxiety. They both are most likely cause by something that has happened, but he wouldn't tell us anything about it. There are many ways to treat this, therapy and medication is what we usually do. We can set you up therapy sessions, but we would have to send you to a psychiatrist to get medication"

I wasn't surprised, but my mother looked like she was going to cry. I looked away, I wanted to get away. My mother and the nurse talked about it a bit more, but I ignored them. My mom agreed to what the nurse said and set me up therapy appointments. I knew I most likely wasn't going to go, nor was I going to take the medication I was going to be given. I never did take it, I knew what was wrong with me and a few pills wouldn't bring Kageyama back, but a lot of pills could end it.

School continued, I didn't listen or do my work, but after my mother told the school what was going on, I got an excuse for everything. A few days later I went to a psychiatrist and got antidepressants, which I only took when my mom was standing in front of me, I never wanted to take them any other time. Again, I knew what was causing this and there was nothing to do about it.

I saw him a lot more after that first awkward week went by. I saw him in the hallways, sometimes at lunch with the team. I missed the team, but I knew I couldn't go back to them, I betrayed them. I couldn't play volleyball anymore, it no longer made me happy. I couldn't play without Kageyama's brilliant sets, his master mind behind the magic we created on the court. But his image has become so corrupted in my sick mind, I couldn't play with him. I would hurt the team more then help.

I hadn't heard from Tanaka or Noya, not even Asahi or Suga paid me attention anymore. One day, I decided to go eat in the field. I usually ate there or on the roof, always alone, but I was used to that by now. I would lay in the grass and watch the clouds. I was laying there one day, my lunch untouched and to the side as I made shapes out of the fluffy clouds above my head. I sat up as I heard voices, looking to the side and out of everyone, I saw the team heading my way. My heart stopped.

Before I could react, I heart Tanaka yell out, "Oi! It's Hinata!" I jumped out of my skin as everyone looked at me, including Kageyama. I stood up, flipping out on the inside. I began to panic but tried to hide it by giving them a smile, something I hadn't genuinely done in a while.

"Hey guys..." I told them, giving them a small wave. Tanaka and Noya came up to me, looking as happy as ever. Tanaka clamped a hand on my shoulder, making me flinch. He gave me a confused look, I returned a smile to him, glad no one else noticed. Suga smiled at me and came up to me.

"Hinata! How have you been?" He asked in that sweet motherly voice that used to give me advice on everything, from math to confessing my feelings to dealing with them.

I shrugged, "I've been alright," I lied, I haven't been alright in forever. They don't need to know that,

Noya chuckled, "That's good! You haven't talked to us in forever! Do you want to join us for lunch?" He asked. My face fell as I glanced at the other people, everyone seemed normal, except Kageyama. He had a twisted expression, one he used to get when he couldn't understand the math equation. He looked frustrated, he looked confused. After reading his expression I knew the answer to that question.

"No thank you, I have to get going anyway.. It was.. nice talking to you guys, bye" I quickly wrapped it up before taking my lunch and running off the field. I heard Noya yell that he would see me later. When I looked back, all I saw was Kageyama watching me as I disappeared back into the school.

That day effected me greatly, I didn't know what to think of it at first, but I've concluded that they were just trying to be nice because I was someone they used to care for. I also concluded that Kageyama wants nothing to do with my existence anymore.

Did I mention I stopped walking home? After the incident with Kageyama I stopped walking or even biking. I was picked up by my mom everyday now, and when she couldn't I would just stay after school and help until she could. On Thursday's I had therapy, which was the same thing every time I went. They asked me questions, I shook or nodded my head, or didn't answer at all. One night, after therapy my mom started yelling.

"Shouyou! You have to talk to them! These therapy sessions aren't free, and if you don't actually speak, then that's just money down the drain!" She told me as I stood at the kitchen counter. I felt a ball in my throat, as guilt came over me.

"Cancel the appointments then, I never asked for them" I responded in a harsher tone then I should have. She looked frustrated, her skin was paler and bags formed under her eyes. She was working extra hours lately at work, and plus with the pressure of the situation I was in.

She shook her head, "You need help, Hinata! You have severe depression!" She told me. I looked away, scowling at the ground. I wish she wouldn't have asked me what came next.

"How did his happen?! Is it because of Kageyama?!" She asked. I froze, my eyes widening as I stayed where I was. I can't believe she would bring him up, My brain told me to reply, but no words left my lips. I wish I had said something, I really do wish I had.

"You can't stay strung up on him forever, you have to move on! You are being selfish! You are causing stress and taking away from your sister, you quit the team" she went on, looking at me with a sour expression "Kageyama is gone, he broke up with you, he doesn't want you anymore"

I felt a pang in my heart, how those words hurt. They hurt my heart and they still do. It hurt everywhere, so be so forgotten by the one you love, and have your mother say it to you. It is one thing to know it, it's another thing to be told. I felt my eyes water up, staring at her. I saw she felt apologetic after she realized what she said.

"Shouyou, I didn't-" she started but I was already grabbing my bag and my coat. I shook my head, looking at her with tears in my eyes.

"I hate you" I managed out before running past her and out the door. I heard her yelling and never looked back. That was the last time I heard my mothers voice.

Now, I sit here, in the middle of the night, on the ledge of a bridge, writing in this journal. Funny, isn't it? This is how it ends. I used to be so happy, so giggly and fun. Yet, I'm about to throw myself off this bridge. Everything crumbled inside me, everything crumbled around me. It's cold out here, I never wanted to die cold, but I guess that's how it has to be? I bet the water is even colder. I hope someone finds this journal, because then you would know what pushed me for the edge, literally.

I loved a lot of people, it's not that I didn't love them. I just.. Wasn't loved back. I know everyone will move on just fine without me. Natsu, mom, you guys were always there so thank you. For the team, thank you as well. You guys were the happiest thing that ever happened in my life, I wouldn't have made it this far with you.

As for Kageyama, if he even reads this, I... I love you? Do I love you? I shouldn't, I really shouldn't but I do. My mom was right, you are over me and you don't care anymore. I hope you are happy with Oikawa, you two are cute together. Just watch out for Iwaizumi, I always thought he had the hots for Oikawa.

I was fine my whole life, I had a good life. I'm satisfied with it. The only thing in life I never got answered is _what did I do wrong_? What point in time did I mess up so bad it lead me to this? I guess I'll never find out.

That's it. _Goodbye_.

 _-Hinata Shouyou_

I hope you guys like it! And yes, it is supposed to be overdramatize! If you want it to continue, tell me! I already have ideas for what could happen next. Review, favorite, and follow!


End file.
